Wednesday, December 28, 2005
DIA

I like to look at the people in the airport. Little people, big people, people who are going to miss thier flight, people asleep, people waiting for the toilet, people who think no one is watching them. I like to watch all sorts of people. 

However, there is a special way to people-watch. Because you can't just watch them like you would watch Spongebob, for example. Because you cannot look at someone who sees you for longer than three seconds. If that happens, they realize you are not just looking at them because they are part of the scenery. And they SEE you. They see that you are staring at them. If that happens, that is very bad.

And then there are only two options

1.) Pretend to be blind
2.) Run away

My other favorite part of the airport are the moving walkways. I like to walk backwards on them. It makes me feel like the world's revolving around me. Those things are great. They're like treadmills for people who can't walk. And for people who don't like to decide where they're going in life and want something to take them there.

But my most favorite part about the airport are the tourists. Like, the ones that come to Colorado from a nicer place, like California or England. Just to ski. Or something. I honestly don't know why anyone in their right mind would choose to come to Colorado when they could have gone to Cancun to lie in the sun and swim with dolphins. Dolphins are really great, I'm telling you. I saw this three-hour documentary on the Discovery channel about them. They do all sorts of cool tricks and hear in special ways and sometimes they even eat each other! They even EAT each other! Come on! How awesome is THAT! So who the hell would choose schizophrenic weather over cute little dolphins?!

Well, apparently silly tourists do.

So whenever I see an excited one, I like to say really loudly, "Colorado is the worst place in the WORLD. There is NOTHING to do here. It's cold and it's dry and it smells like horse manure before it snows. Whoever would want to come here must be completely silly!"

---

Branson, Missouri

Apparently Missouri is the "show me state". What the hell is a show me state? I don't know. Wonder if I'll find out.

Thursday, December 29, 2005
The Show Me Freaks State

So, we've been to three shows so far. The first contained an Elvis who waxed his chest, a tone-deaf Judy Garland, and just a bunch of other weird people. I think the show was called "Legends". This is ironic.

The second show was all right. It was this after-Christmas Christmas show, and it was these five brothers, all in their 30s, who sing and dance and play instruments. And in the show were their five wives, who also sing and dance and play instruments. And in the show were their twenty children, who also sing and dance and play instruments. I tell you, I'd hate to be an outcast of that family.

"Daddy, I don't want to sing and dance and play instruments. I want to be a marine biologist."

Bang.

And the third show we saw was in some building owned by Dolly Parton, and let me tell you, she does everything bigger. It was this HUGE stadium with horses and trick riders and food.

And it was an after-Christmas Christmas show. Too.

I am reeeeeeeally getting sick of Christmas. I thought Christmas was over three days ago! It was bad enough listening to Christmas songs for three months before the jolly day, but three days after?! I've seen the frikin nativity scene twice already! And I've only been here a day and a half!

If I see another Christmas scene I think I will die.

Passover is looking pretty good right about now.

---

Some Important Facts About Branson, Missouri

There is one stop light in the entire town. There is one street, and there is only one lane going in each direction. There are 5,000 people in the town. My school alone would make up 72% of its population. The town is full of slow-talking, slow-moving people with southern accents. On a map, the state itself is about as southern as Colorado is. The only logical explanation for all these southern folk is that all the real southern states kicked them out.

I am in a state full of Southern rejects.

Friday, December 30, 2005
The Slowly State

I had a donut for breakfast today. It had sprinkles on it. I can never figure out how to spell it. Is it doughnut, or is it donut? Or is it deau-knutt?

Moving on...

Today we saw three shows. The first was this pet theatre. And there was this guy and he had all these dogs and cats and a couple of birds, and they did AMAZING stuff and he's been on all the late-night tv shows, and he was a good juggler too.

Next we saw this pretty random music show. There was this singing quartet, who kind of sucked, and a Shania Twain wannabe, who kind of sucked, but in the background was this band of guitars and drums and a mandolin and a violin and a piano and they were AMAZING. Honestly, if the band were whole show, and there were no stupid singers, it would've been mind-blowing. Branson, Missouri has some of the best musicians I've ever seen. Really.

So then that show was over and we ate food and I probably went to the bathroom a few times and I probably coughed a few times and I might've eaten a few chips.

Last show was Jim Stafford. That show rocked. Really, it was the best show I've seen here. He sang and played multiple instruments and told jokes and it was just great. If you ever have the "pleasure" of coming to Branson, Missouri, go to the Jim Stafford show. It will brighten your evening.

---

A Quick Fact About Branson, Missouri

There is one giant hill in the town, and whenever we go down it, my ears pop.

Satruday, December 31 2005
Misery in Missouri

So, I'm sick. I have absolutely no voice and I couph a lot and I sneeze a lot and I think I have an ear infection. And when we went on the airplane, as it was going up, my ear felt like it was going to explode. It was not fun.

But I'm back. And that's good, I suppose, except I have school on Monday and I have about 12 hours of homework to do and I'm sick and cannot talk at ALL! So I guess we'll see what happens.

Happy New Year!!! Yay!!!

I cut my fingernails so I could play the guitar. I cut my toe nails so I could go en pointe. Now I don't have any nails.

I learned how to play the flute by myself. Well, I can play two notes. Flute-playing is actually rather difficult. If you blow into it wrong, it sounds like nothing. If you happen to see any flute players from now on, please praise them.

I haven't really done anything all week. Mostly sat around. I wonder if you can die from over sleeping. Like, maybe your body goes, well, this is boring, and I'm already lying here, goodbye cruel world. Nah... I doubt it. I think you die faster from not sleeping. Probably. But no one's proved it, right?

I don't know what I'm saying. Ignore me, please.

I saw Zorro yesterday. Actually, I don't know what it's called, but it was Zorro 2, and it was silly. How can his own son not reconize him? I mean, it's like, Oooh!! You can't see anything above my eyebrows! Na na na boo boo you can't see me!!! I think it's pretty lame.

And then when Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones kiss it's seriously like they're eating each other. I wouldn't even call it kissing. It more closely resembles Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off something. Oy vey.

Well, this is rather interesting, isn't it? It's 9:10 in the morning and nobody's up but me, and I'm sitting here, at the computer, writting crap that nobody is going to read. Oh goodie! I wonder when I'll write something good again. I used to write good. In like 8th grade. And then my stupid high school teachers sucked the creativity from me, like how Zorro sucks the tongue out of Catherine Zeta-Jones. My goodness. And then they tell you stupid crap like, at the beginning of a new paragraph, it has to have it's own introductory sentence and you're not allowed to talk about the same thing in two paragraphs.

Because it's illegal.

Well, you know what?

HA! I'm starting a new paragraph!

And there is NOTHING you can do about it.

Wow. That was exciting.

I saw Rent the other day with Chelsea. At the first song, I thought it was the soundtrack. And then I got really suprised when I realized it was the funny Jewish boy with glasses singing it. That movie was long. I guess it wouldn't be that long as a musical, since you get an intermission and all, but it was long as a movie. Especially since we saw it at about midnight. Chelsea didn't like it at all. She kept thinking it was going to be over. It was pretty hilarious.

I ate peanut butter on bread for breakfast today. And I brushed my teeth. And I went to the bathroom. Yes, all very exciting.

See... maybe this is why I don't write frequently anymore. Becuase THIS is what comes out. How very depressing.

My cat needs to go on a diet. I think she's already on a diet, but it really doesn't work because she's still very fat, and she's always hungry. I think she needs to excercise more. I think I will invent a cat treadmill. And they stand on it. And they have to run. Or they die. It will be a big seller.

M y head feels sarcastic.

I wrote some songs on the piano like a year ago or something. I think there are 5 of them. Wait, let's see... 2 full ones, and... 3 non-full ones. I mean, finished. I don't know what I mean. I haven't been able to write a song in a year. I think it's because I haven't been really depressed in a year. I think that's because I haven't had a crush on anyone in a year. I think that's probably good. Except now I don't know who to ask to the stupid dance.

Wow. If anyone's still reading now, then, well, you're weird. And you probably don't have a life. And you're probably really bored. And you think to yourself, if you keep reading, you will rot, until slowly, you, die.

Dying is probably not good.

I made some tea yesterday. I forgot about it. It's probably really strong right now. And cold. I don't like strong cold tea. Ew. Drink it, you.

Haha. That reminded me of those mice. Uhh like that wanted to take over the world. OH YA!!! They're Pinky and the Brain, they're Pinky and the Brain, one is a genius the other insane, they're laboratory mice, who's jeans have some spice, they're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain Brain Brain Brain, Brain Brain Brain  Brain, BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acutally, I don't know what that line is. About jeans. Acutally, it's rather amazing I remember it at all. I'm just amazing like that.

I'm going to spell like the British people now.

My new word is amasing. And there's an S not a Z because it's British-ian. I say things are Uhh MAAAAYZ EEENG a lot. That doesn't mean they are amasing. But usually it does.

I don't really have a favourite colour. I just like saying that. Becuase you can spell it Britishly.

And now you have to read in a British accent. I know it will be difficult, for I do sound like a dumb American person, but darling, try.

So, er.... (because the British people say er, not um) I wonder if I narrate the course of the entire day, it will take you an entire day to read it. I guess it depends on how fast I can type and how fast you can read. I've been writing for about 15 minutes now. It seems like much longer. I wonder how much I've written.

4,141 characters, 964 words, 2.2 pages. OF NOTHING!!!!!!!

Ok, this British thing is getting annoying, and I sincerely doubt you're even doing it.

So now, my cheekie wee monkeys, do the Yiddish thing. And don't worry if you don't know how to do it. Just talk like you're an old whiny guy and do the back of the throat chaaaaaa thing, and you're all set.

Happy Cccccchhaaaaaanukah!

Did you get me a present?

Becuase I didn't get you one.

HA!

Wow, that was exciting.

I had some pumpkin bread. At least, I think it was pumpkin bread. It might have been... other type of bread. I don't really know. But it did cut into the time I've spent at the computer. So now you have to go get pumpkin bread to make sure you're reading this in Real Time.

I have a heck of a lot of physics homework to do. Man, I hate that class. Ok, so the class itself is all right, but I just don't have enough time to do all the homework and all the studying and all the stupid things we have to do. We had this project where we had to make this whole working... thing.. and there's a ball and it has to roll through 3 different physics-y things. So we had a jump, atwoods machine, and a pendulum colliding with a steel block. And it took us two ENTIRE WEEKENDS. And then lunch periods and after school to write up the lab reports and stuff. That class is really insane. I might even like physics if it weren't for all the stupid work we have to do. And THAT, my friends, is why I'm dropping it second semester. Too bad I still have to do the homework for first semester. And study for the final. And not phayl the phynal. Sigh.

I've gotten kind of obsessed with the puzzles in the newspaper. I've gotten so good at the cryptoquip (where one letter represents another), that I can finish it in the time it takes me to write down the words. So I've moved onto SuDokus.

Yeah, that was really interesting.

Ok, ok, so I've probably written like 3 pages already and I'm sure you're dying to leave, and I'm sure you're dying from reading this, and dying is probably not good.